Final Fallon/Fey Update: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen  5-15-04 

FALLON: Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university.  The governor said, "it's my dream that every child has enough money to attend college...for 8 days."

FALLON: According to a new study on the best and worst US cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas.  And the worst city for dating, for the 7th year in a row, DateRapeville, Maine.

FEY: Here with a review of the movie Troy is our own, Jimmy Fallon.
FALLON: Thank you, Tina.  I went to see Troy tonight and it was awesome.  Finally an epic adventure for guys.  It's a real guy movie.  It's got action, a great story, and then you see Brad Pitt in it and you go, Oh. My. God.  I cannot take my eyes off him.  It's as if Michelangelo's David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked up off his pedestal, sat down next to me and said, "Hi, I'm Brad Pitt.  Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together?  I promise I won't eat all your popcorn."    
FEY: Jimmy!  TV voice.
FALLON: Right.  Sorry.  This is a movie every guy would love.  The battle scenes are fantastic, there's hitting and punching and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men one behind the other, crotchless skirts.. 
FEY: Jimmy!  You've got to pull it together.  Were there any women in the movie?
FALLON: Sure, there's gotta be.  But the men were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords, swords hitting each other..
::Tina slaps Jimmy across the face::
FALLON: Bitch!
FEY: Wrap it up, alright.
FALLON: Okay.  Go see Troy.  It'll turn every man into a huge homer..
FEY: Jimmy!
FALLON: ..fan.  Homer fan.

FEY: The publisher of Bill Clinton's upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long -- and rock hard.

FALLON: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money.  Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

FEY: Madonna has gone to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England.  She should try playing Madonna music, that would keep people away.

 

FEY: For Weekend Update, I'm Tina Fey.
::Jimmy motions camera toward him::
FALLON: I'm Jimmy Fallon.  I might as well say thanks, this is my last show.  Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.