FALLON: According to friends, Darryl Strawberry's disappearance from rehab last week was in
part prompted by thoughts of Monday's opening day at Yankee Stadium. Said one friend, 'Darryl
misses the roar of the crowd, the smell of the grass, the crack...'
FEY: New York Police are already preparing for Monday's Braves-Mets game, which marks the
return of controversial Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Rocker. Police are particularly nervous because
this Monday at Shea Stadium is 'Homo Day.' adlibs: All homos over 14 will be given a bat.
Let's go over them if you will. (points to first blonde) This one is 19, ok. Two months ago she was working at
Dairy Queen, now she's out clubbing it with Bill Maher and Don Adams. Is she better off?
It's hard to say!
This one.. (points to second girlfriend) ..this one isn't even
trying. I'm actually very disappointed in this one. What is that,
a man's shirt? You are the weakest link - goodbye!
(onto the third girlfriend) This one doesn't even have a name
anymore.. she's just "Girl". She's basically just there because
she knows CPR.
(fourth girlfriend) This one is always next to him, always
holding his hand. (deadpans a Chinese accent) She a numba one
girlfriend! At 28, Tina is the oldest and has a two-year-old son.
That must be a wonderful way to grow up, playing Fetch the
Ashtray with James Caan in the Grotto, while your mom's
upstairs praying for the viagra to wear off so she can get you
to the orthodontist on time. Fantastic.
These two.. (points to next two girlfriends) ..these two right here, these two are like this.. (crosses fingers) Sometimes
they're like this.. (squeezes fingers)
(final girlfriend) And this one, clearly, this one is willing to do
something the others will not do. Whatever the filthiest thing
you can think of - it's a little worse than that, and she'll let
you photograph her doing it. Gotta be the reason she's there.
But you know what? You can't condemn these women,
because at least they work together, they support each other,
and how many women can say that, right? And these women
aren't doing it for the money. They're doing it because they
were molested by a family friend. I salute you, Hefner ladies.
You are making it work!
FEY: (picks up picture) Tonight Playboy founder Hugh Hefner will celebrate his 75th birthday. At Hefner's side will be
his seven girlfriends.. Stephanie, Tiffany, Regina, Cathy, Kimberly, Buffy and of course (points to one of the
girls) Tina. Because wherever two or more whores are gathered, there's always a Tina. Now...Thanks mom.
Now, when I first saw these women I thought the same thing we all did. What has happened to Affirmative
Action in this country? Hefner's dating seven blonde, white women. Not a blonde pubic hair among them might I
add. (off the cuff) Not a pubic hair among them. C'mon though seven blondes? There's not a hot Asian woman
you can throw in there? A light skinned black woman? A deaf brunette? Something,
where's the diversity? When
are we going to have a Hefner Harem that looks like America? Am I really to believe that these women, each of
them, offer you something unique?