| Renée Zellweger 4-14-01 |
FEY: The Bush family cat Ernie, missing for weeks, turned up
in the early hours Tuesday wandering
down Hollywood's Avenue of The Stars...coked out of its mind.
FEY: The FBI will install high-tech scrambling devices to prevent people from picking up the closed
circuit broadcast of Timothy McVeigh's execution. Which means that on May 16th, some young
man who thinks he's watching scrambled porn may actually be masturbating to a lethal injection.
adlibs: Hey, whatever works.
FEY: Mariah Carey last week signed a recording contract with Virgin Records for 25 million
dollars an album. The signing is considered a coup for the company, although Virgin Records will
now have to change its name to Skank Records.
FALLON: On Monday, President Bush wrote a letter offering his condolences to the wife of the
missing Chinese fighter pilot. After Bush wrote the letter, it was quickly given to experts and
translated. Then it was translated into Chinese.