POEHLER: Various anti-Bush groups plan to protest his inauguration by lining the streets and turning their backs on his motorcade. You know that's not going to work. He's just gonna get out to see what they're all looking at.

FEY: A new book, The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln, claims that Lincoln was gay. The most compelling evidence is an early draft of the Gettysburg Address that starts, 'Listen Up, Bitches!

FEY: It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, 'Revolver.' Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.

POEHLER: This week in Germany, an 81-year-old man was robbed when two young women asked him to join them in a nude photo shoot, then fled with the man's wallet as he stripped. Afterwards the women felt badly and almost returned the wallet, but then Tina was like, 'screw it, let's go buy shoes.'

FEY: Barbra Streisand had surgery this week to remove a benign polyp discovered during a routine colonoscopy. Doctors described the polyp as 'opinionated.'

POEHLER: A state trooper in Oklahoma, who had pulled over a delivery truck, found 600 pounds of marijuana, hidden in four coffins. Or so starts the math section of Snoop Dogg's new SAT prep book.