FEY: In an upcoming issue of Premiere magazine, Will Smith claims that his new fitness training has energized his sex life. Saying "I am a sexual machine. I'm human viagra. I am Will-agra." Well, if you mean that you're becoming a huge dick, I think I agree with you.
FALLON: It was reported that Michael Jackson has an upcoming role in the Men In Black sequel, in which he plays an alien, but doesn't wear a costume. Touché Michael, you beat us to the joke this time...but we'll be back!
FALLON: Well, a tough night for the New York Yankees. They lost
to Arizona, 15-2. The Series is tied at three games a piece. Here, with a
commentary, is our own Seth Meyers.
FEY: On Monday, Attorney General John Ashcroft issued a terrorism warning asking all Americans to be on "High Alert" this week. Then on Friday he announced that the period of High Alert will be extended indefinitely. I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Bitch, I can't be any more alert than I already am! Ok, I'm opening my mail with salad tongs, I take my passport into the shower with me. I'm watching so much CNN I'm having sex dreams about
Wolf Blitzer. How 'bout this: you be on full alert. I'm gonna freeze my head like Walt Disney, and you can wake me up when everything's cool. Ok?
FEY: In order to feel safer on his private jet, actor John Travolta has purchased a
bomb-sniffing dog. Unfortunately for the actor, the dog came six movies too
late.
SETH MEYERS: Thanks, Jimmy. Tomorrow night, despite two thrilling ninth
inning victories here in New York, the Yankees magic run may finally come to an
end. Some people say their offense is inconsistent, some say their pitching has
gotten too old. But I know the real reason the Yankees have struggled a bit in
the Play Offs. It's because, for the first time in history, Red Sox fans are
rooting for the Yankees to win. I know. I'm a Red Sox fan. For the past 83
years, you've had nothing but our negative energy and hatred coming way... and
it's led to like 65 world championships. But this year, because of what happened
to New York, Boston's decided to put our personal feelings aside and root for
you to win. When the Yankees went to Boston, they played "New York, New
York" over the PA. People were holding up signs that said, "Boston
Loves New York". And you started losing. Coincidence? No! Everyone and
everything that Boston roots for loses. If Boston rooted by gravity, we’d all
be floating three inches off the ground. We're the worst! Right now, Donald
Rumsfield is in West Roxbury, Mass., trying to convince eight guys named Murph
to root for the Taliban.
Personally, I don't like this new camaraderie. Remember the
later Tom & Jerry cartoons where they were friends... and it sucked? Same
concept. That having been said, I love New York. No city deserves a World
Championship more than this city right now. So, in order to help you out,
I, a Red Sox fan, will say this: "I hate the Yankees!" "Paul
O'Neill- you're a whining crybaby." "Chuck Knoblauch- you're a
glorified Oompa Loompa." "Roger Clemens- I would give every penny I
have to whack your 39-year-old groin with a fungo bat." And I'm only saying
this because I genuinely want you to win. Jimmy?