FEY: The top story tonight, Saddam Hussein re-elected himself president of Iraq this week and he claims the election results were 11 million to zero with 100% voter turnout. So, first of all, ew, he voted for himself, and secondly...really, Saddam? 100% voter turnout? Nobody overslept and
forgot to vote in the whole country? Nobody ate some bad lamb the night before and got a bad case of the hajej and couldn't get off the kalejnah all day? Nobody had to work a double shift in
the smallpox factory? Really, good for you.. Then on Thursday, North Korea admitted that they have also been secretly been
developing nuclear weapons. But we are going to handle that problem diplomatically. So why are we handling North Korea differently than Iraq? Because they're two very different guys. Anyone with kids will tell you that you discipline your younger child much differently than you discipline your older North Korean child who has a nuclear bomb.
And don't forget, Saddam Hussein tried to kill George Bush's dad. Don't underestimate how much that would piss you off if that were you. Saddam tried to kill his dad. People have turned into superheroes over less.
So, in conclusion, who should solve the North Korean problem? How about any country but us? France, you've got a lot of opinions.
Go over there. You'll love North Korea, it's completely devoid of Jews. Come on France, less talk, more
rock.
FEY: Scientists have identified an enzyme in onions that makes people tear up, which is the first step in
creating genetically modified onions that don't make people cry. Hey guys - AIDS! There's still a lot of people dying
of AIDS. Put the onion thing on the backburner and cure AIDS!
FALLON: Bombardier Transportation introduced this week it's new Jet Train, a locomotive that is powered
by a jet engine. That's right folks, it's Jet Train: the new form of transportation that combines the
danger of flying with the poor safety record of trains.
FEY: Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock will reportedly get married next month at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.
The couple is registered at the Center for Disease Control.
FEY: And finally tonight, a Michigan man was arrested for indecent exposure after his neighbors witnessed
him having sex with a pumpkin. What's most disturbing is that it was anal sex.
FALLON: In entertainment news, Robert Downey, Jr. appears to be dating me in drag...I hope that works out
for them -slash- us.
FEY: In her 130th day aboard the International Space Station, American astronaut, Peggy Whitson, says her
tastes have changed while in space, and she no longer wants the forty shrimp meals she brought along.
Hey Peggy - do you want them to keep letting women be astronauts? Yea? Shut
up and eat the shrimp.